Starting Where You Are

"If we are willing to stand fully in our own shoes

 and never give up on ourselves, 

then we will be able to put ourselves in the shoes 

of others and never give up on them. 

True compassion does not come from wanting 

to help out those less fortunate 
than ourselves but from realizing our kinship with all beings."

-- Pema Chodron, 

"Lojong: How to Awaken Your Heart", Shambala Sun On-line

I certainly was no "newbie" to meditation and spiritual practice back in 2006.

I was sixty years old, I had practiced meditation, taken vows, lived in several spiritual communities, attended numerous intensive retreats in various traditions, and had a regular daily practice for large swathes of time over the course of 35 years.  

 

And yet...

 

Although I had experienced a number of "peak experiences" over the years --on and off the zafu -- little did I know that my mind was about to be blown once again.  

I had never heard of Pema Chodron when a friend handed me a paperback copy of Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living that day.  Longtime Director of Gampo Abbey, an American student of Chogyam Trungpa, Pema Chodron had me hooked with the very first sentence of the Preface:

"THIS BOOK IS ABOUT AWAKENING THE HEART."

The Heart?

 

As a inveterate bookworm, my introduction to Zen had been through D.T Suzuki, Shunryu Suzuki, and Alan Watts back in the 1970's.  It was pretty heady stuff.  Like many, I'd come to see the spiritual path as a matter of mind over matter.  It was all about Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, right?  

 

OMG! Awakening the Heart! Duh.  

 

Something deep within me stirred.

Although I had read Chogyam Trungpa's classic works as a young man, and had spent a bit of time with Tibetan Buddhist communities in Madison WI and Woodstock NY over the years, my primary focus had never turned to Tibetan practices.  To be honest, after being drawn to the simple aesthetic of Zen, I was pretty turned off by the somewhat cluttered and gaudy opulence of Tibetan Buddhist Temples, by "guru-worship," and by what appeared to be a highly ritualistic approach to spirituality.  The relative simplicity of the American incarnations of both Zen and Theravada seemed much more in tune with my own, working-class, moderately Marxist, sensibilities.

Yet, as I poured through Start Where You Are that day, I was transfixed.  An American female monk steeped in Tibetan practice, Pema Chodron offered a fresh, accessible, down to earth presentation of the traditional Lojong Teachings of Tibetan Buddhism.  Chapter by chapter, her teachings helped me to establish a new and deeper relationships to the dharma, to practice -- and to my life.  Although many of the concepts were familiar old friends, something deep inside me shifted. 

Starting Where I Was

I had always considered myself a pretty compassionate dude.  I was one of the "good guys." I was dedicated to service.  I had taught school, worked with troubled youth, been a peace and social justice activist, a union activist, a mediator.  The Bodhisattva Vow had been the foundation of my personal practice for decades.  

 

Yet, I had also struggled through a series of severe burnouts during that time.  Although the reality of our Essential Oneness was part of my own experience, it was clear.  I really didn't have a clue about navigating my way through life in a sustainable way.  I could "be there" for others to a certain extent.  But, I was blind to the various deep-set patterns that prevented me from being there for myself.  Ultimately, this deep, unexplored conditioning sent me into descending spirals of anxiety and depression that prevented me from being there for anybody in a consistent way.
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Getting Real

“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space.  He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness.  This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us.  Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”
-- Albert Einstein

 
"Compassion and resilience are not, as we might imagine, rarefied human qualities available only to the saintly... In fact, these essential and universally prized human qualities can be solidly cultivated 

by anyone taking the time to do it." 

-- Norman Zoketzu Fischer,

Trainings in Compassion: Zen Teachings on the Practice of Lojong

Good Grief
 
"Yikes.  I did it again." I thought.  

Moments before, I had proclaimed with utter certainty that my take on the facts at hand was absolutely the truth of the matter.  Then, quite quickly, Reality asserted itself.  My certitude that my friend was "wrong," and that I was "right," disintegrated in the clear light of a sunny day.  

Duh.

Thankfully, she was gracious and didn't skewer me for, once again, not immediately noticing the tightness in my chest -- and shutting up to pay better attention to the emergence of ego's hard headed clinging to its limited point of view.  

The tightness in my voice was the first clue.  My eyes soon verified that I had to give it up.  My take was clearly mistaken.

Whew.  Once again, the Universe had pointed out that who I am at any one moment, how I'm seeing things and being, is likely to be just a bad habit.  Thankfully, these days I can bow to that reality with a grin.  

I blame the Practice for that.

The Real Deal

Over the years, it has become more and more obvious to me how much of our lives are dictated by habit.  Although it may not feel like it, who we are is not a fixed, free standing, independently existing, reality.  Our current "point of view" emerges from a cauldron of causes and conditions, many of them beyond our ken -- or our control.  Encountering our lives through what Albert Einstein called an "optical illusion" of consciousness, we learn to experience ourselves as fundamentally separate from everything -- and everybody -- else. 

Lost in our thoughts and conditioned feelings, driven by a set of deeply ingrained, often subconscious, beliefs about ourselves and the world, we rarely are Present to the deeper dimension of life that exists in each and every moment.  The noise in our heads resonates with the noise in the world.  It dominates our attention.  Oblivious to the subtle energies dancing within the infinite space and silence of each and every moment, we suffer.   

All this is nothing more --and nothing less than -- a bad habit. 

Awash in a culture where capitalism, scientific materialism, and religious dogma have been woven into most every nook and cranny of human life for generations, we have spent years feeding this habit. It then creates our day to day life as the struggle it appears to be.  Most of the time this operates quite subconsciously.  And all the while, in our "heart of hearts," there is the still and silent space of clear, open awareness.  From there, emerges a way of being that is truly clear, calm, kind, compassionate and wise.  This is our True Nature.
 

But, here's the rub.

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The Defense Rests

"There is a vast store of energy which is not centered, which is not ego's energy at all.  It is this energy which is the centerless dance of phenomenon, the universe interpenetrating and making love to itself." 

― Chögyam Trungpa

 

"Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you can not bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain."

-- Khalil Gibran

 

Attributed to Hieronymus Bosch 1450-1516

I'll admit it.  These days, I'm a real softie. 

 

Of course, it's taken me years to get here.  

 

After all, I am a 75 year old, white, working class, cis male.  A freakin' Aries, ex-collegiate wrestler, too boot.  I launched into adult life heavily programmed by my upbringing to defend my ego at all costs.  

 

A "little guy" at 5'2", having survived a traumatic childhood (sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, physical abandonment, time in institutional settings and foster care, etc.), "proving myself," became a full-time job.  Most of my conditioned propensity toward over-achievement, chronic workaholicism, and behaviors that ranged from unbridled argumentation to throwing objects -- and even fists -- operated subconsciously.  Even as I came of age in the late sixties and early 70's, heavily influenced by the non-violent civil rights movement, the peace movement, and Woodstock, I didn't have a clue about the nature of ego.  I didn't really know how to be peaceful -- or truly loving.

 

To this day, if I'm not paying attention, I still get caught up at times in those ancient patterns. Thankfully, a day in, day out, commitment to the Practice usually allows me to sense fairly quickly when the attachments that create and reinforce ego emerge.  I can usually detect the sparks of disappointment, fear, and frustration soon enough to keep them from roaring into flames.  Most often, I am able to notice what is going on, take a few conscious breaths, get in touch with my heart, and clear my head.  This usually allows me to make better choices on how and where to focus my attention, and decide what to do -- or, oftentimes, better yet -- not do,

Unfortunately, usually doesn't mean always.

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