Mindfulness and Mission

 

“I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love

will have the final word in reality... Man must evolve for all conflict 

a method that rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation.  

The foundation of such a method is love.” 

-- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

“When we are mindful, deeply in touch with the present moment,
our understanding of what is going on deepens, and we begin to be
filled with acceptance, joy, peace and love.”
― Thích Nhất Hạnh

I awoke this morning stiff and sore, a bit out of sorts.  Even though Springtime is whispering in our ears, Mother Nature continues to hold on tight.  Here in Western Massachusetts, the world emerged from single digit temperatures overnight to pummel us with sleet and snow this afternoon.

Although, I seem to have recovered from a respiratory bug that slammed me last week, my nearly 80 year old body, with its failing eyesight, bevy of inflammations, dental difficulties, and achy joints still needs a lot of rest, maintenance time, and careful attention.  

As I plodded slowly toward the bathroom,  the whole world -- inner and outer -- seemed shrouded in gray tones of doom and gloom. 

 

Images of my inevitable, if not imminent, demise floated through my mind as I limped along.  Through the wonders of modern medical science, I've already beat the genetic odds of my lineage. My dad was dead at 61.  His dad was gone at 57.  Although I no longer fear death, the thought of leaving this plane of existence still mostly sucks. 

 

There were times in my life that beginning the day in this frame of mind on a frigid late winter morning would have thrown me for a loop.  A dark mood and dark thoughts would have wrapped themselves around one another and held onto one another tightly -- sometimes for hours, sometimes for days.  Sometimes for weeks at a time.  

In fact, there were times in my life that I spiraled down into deep depression, seemingly unbearable anxiety, and total burn-out.

That was then.  This is now.

This morning, as I have done most mornings for decades,  I brushed my teeth, washed my face. took a deep breath, and felt my heart open and expand. Then, with compassion and curiosity, I looked my mirror image straight in the eye for a moment or two.  Then, I wobbled to the altar.  There, I spent a few moments in a sequence of ritual prayers and bows.  Then, as I've done for decades, I lowered myself to the zafu and Simply Sat Still. 

Within moments, it was different.

There in my little corner of the world, with my body comfortable and upright on the meditation cushion, with eyes open and unfocused, I floated on the breath of Practice.  In the expansive gaze of open awareness, I relaxed and watched as ripples of thought, images, feelings, and bodily sensations emerged and dissipated along the surface of a clear, calm, vast pool of bright spacious awareness.  Simply Sitting Still, no longer grasping or pushing away what I was experiencing, I breathed, relaxed, softened, and opened.  

Soon, I was aware that a lot of old coots were feeling the aches and pains and sadness of aging, as well.  I knew that these types of bodily pain, these emotional clouds of doom and gloom are being experienced by countless other human beings -- at that very moment.  Breathing in,  I relaxed and opened to the pain. 

As I have learned to do in Tonglen Practice, I allowed the painful bodily sensations and emotional energies to emerge and breathed them directly into my heart chakra.  There, in my heart of hearts, the gracious spaciousness of Open Awareness welcomed this sea of sensations.  There, the One Love that exists within and beyond all that is embraced and was embraced,  with my sincere aspiration for our collective healing. Breath by breath the the dark ripples of painful energy began to dissipate and dissolve.  I stayed with it, simply breathing through the sensations.  Soon, with each out breath, I was able to radiate my heartfelt aspirations for peace, liberation, and healing.  At times, images of individuals would arise in my mind's eye and variations of the traditional metta meditations emerged as thoughts (May we (he, she, they, etc.) be free from suffering, May we be at peace, etc.)  At times, I visualized this energy as light radiating in all directions.  

After awhile, I returned to Simply Sitting Still.  Present to each moment's experience, an open, loving Presence emerges.

If At First You Don't Succeed

Tonglen Practice has been part of my meditation toolkit since 2006.  After two decades it continues to evolve.  Since the thrust of individual and collective conditioning in this hyper capitalist age propels most of us to reflexively reject painful experiences, the habit to do so is strong.  Creating new neural pathways through Tonglen has taken, commitment, effort, time -- and patience.  Lots of patience.    

Sometimes tears will emerge as I practice Tonglen.  This, I've found, is actually a good thing.  I've come to trust those tears.  They are the the body's natural response to the grief that is inherent in the human condition.  Released, the tears wash away the hardness of heart that I'd been taught to wear as a shield against the painful aspects of life.  As tears flow, the armoring around the heart melts.  

As this happens, there are times that a deep sense of gratitude and wonder emerges within the tears. There, a boundless and mysterious One Love emerges to embrace both grief and gratitude.  In those moments, there is nothing left to do.  Simply being present is enough.

Yet, the impact of our conditioning, individual and collective, is formidable.  Over the years, I've found that, at times,  life will serve up situations that produce emotional energies that are quite overwhelming.   Having been deeply touched by the teachings of Pema Chodron (through her writings and on-line presence), I've come to see that being gentle with myself is crucial. There are times that the most skillful approach is to drop Tonglen and focus my attention elsewhere.  

Sometimes, I will zero in on the sights and sounds of the space around me. Sometimes, I will tighten my focus by returning to counting my breaths, a mantra, or metta recitations.  Sometimes, I need to get off my tail and go outside for a good walk.

And yes, at times, I've learned that it is best to just drop the whole project and cue up a movie or a sitcom and sit down with a bowl of popcorn!    

Yet, this morning, I persisted.  Strong emotions, emerged.  Then, without a clear decision, Tonglen Practice emerged.  Then, after a time, it receded.  I Simply Sat Still in the heart of open awareness again.  There, the sights and sounds of traffic outside the window moved within a still pool of silence so deep that the bottom disappeared from view.  

Breathing in.  Breathing out.  I floated on effortlessly. The hour flew by.  The closing bells rang on my iPhone rang.  I recited the Four Bodhisattva Vows as I have done for decades -- and rose to face the day.

But, that was then, this is now.  

In Real Time 

Here I am, sitting at this old Mac Laptop watching letters and words tap dance across the screen.  Remembering, I take a couple of deep conscious breaths. I sit up a bit straighter, relax my shoulders, feel my feel on the floor.  The center of my attention returns to my heart.  I come to my senses.  Settling into a fuller awareness of the sights and sounds and sensations and gracious spaciousness of Life as it emerges moment to moment, I relax and open.  

At this point, words seem to just appear and find their way through my fingers into the screen.  It's quite mysterious really. Being present, I feel a Presence. It glows with crystalline clarity.  Here, the Sacred and the Ordinary dance hand in hand. 

So, now what?

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Promises. Promises.

“Each of you is perfect the way you are ... and you can use a little improvement.”

― Suzuki Roshi 

“Daily sitting is our bread and butter, the basic stuff of dharma. 
Without it we tend to be confused.”
― Charlotte Joko Beck

Back in the day, there were quite a few of us that were drawn to Zen because of its seemingly irreverent and iconoclastic tenor and tone.  

To a bunch of 1960's hippies, peaceniks, and radicals, the traditional tales of zen monks seemed "right on!"

 

Those dudes were kicking over water jugs, writing poems lauding drunkeness, unabashedly proclaiming that Buddha was a "shit stick", raising all sorts of hell.  Those Zennies were our kind of people.

Little did I know...

Once I actually connected with a teacher and a sangha, a different reality emerged.  I found that the foundation of Zen Buddhism, like that of other spiritual traditions throughout the world, rests squarely on a set of rules.  Rather than becoming a member of another tribe of free form hippies, Zen training meant making a personal commitment to a teacher, and observing a clear set of vows and precepts.  

 

When I ordained with Thich Nhat Hanh's Tien Hiep Order, there were the Three Jewels and the 5 Mindfulness Trainings as preliminaries.  Then we received the 14 Training vows of the Order.  In the White Plum Sanghas I practiced with, I was faced with Taking Refuge in the Triple Gems, the Four Bodhisattva Vows, the Three Pure Precepts, and the 10 Essential Precepts. .

WTF?  

Jeez.  Growing up I only had to worry about the Ten Commandments! Now? This was somewhere near twice as many rules.  So much for "doing your own thing!"

Or so it seemed. 
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The Final Frontier

“Preparing for death is one of the most profoundly healing acts of a lifetime."

-- Stephen Levine, Who Dies?

An Investigation of Conscious Living, Conscious Dying

 

"Death is only the end if you think the story is all about you!"

-- Andrew Holecek, lecture on the Tibetan Book of the Dead

 

 

At age 77, having just emerged (mostly) from two months of a rather nasty extended play version of COVID, I can readily identify with the fleeting gold of a sunset.  

 

It'll soon be twilight time.  And then...?

I really wasn't feeling well and had no physical energy for a couple of months.  I tested positive for COVID in late August.  Then, feeling pretty shabby to begin with, I got slammed with a "Paxlovid Rebound," and went from bad to worse.  I thought I had turned the corner several times, only to run smack dab into a wall again.  One of those walls turned out be a strep infection! Jeez. 

 

It's been a long, long, haul. 

 

Time to Get Real

 

I've chanted The Five Remembrances innumerable times in Zen services over the decades.  At this stage of the journey, they are no longer theoretical.  I have already beat the genetic odds.  My father died at age 61, after a series of heart attacks and strokes.  His father croaked of a heart attack at age 57. With the assistance of two stents placed in my heart about 12 years ago, I'm still here.

 

It''s high time to get real, no?

 

 

Sitting here at the keyboard at this moment, taking a deep breath, I know -- in my bones -- that the Grand Transition need not be feared.   I've known that since the curtain was drawn back and I got a good glimpse of the Real Deal years ago.  Beyond the veil, I saw that there is a dimension of life that is perfect love.  With rainbows gleaming in my tears, I knew, in my heart of hearts, that who I am is inseparable from what I have come to call One Love. 

Of course, that experience wasn't enough.  I still had a life to live.

I've certainly struggled -- a lot -- in the ongoing journey of healing that my life has become.  The wounds of a deeply traumatic childhood, and the on-going craziness of a world seemingly hellbent on self-destruction, continue to make things challenging -- to say the least.  I've come to see that there are layers and layers of conditioning, and a sea of ever-present conditions, that propel me and others toward division, disconnection, and disarray.  What traditional Buddhism calls the Three Poisons: ignorance, greed, and enmity, are powerful forces woven into the fabric of the human condition.

 

Yet, as Practice has deepened over these past decades, things have gotten better in my day to day existence.  With commitment, time, effort -- and patience, lots of patience --I've been able to engage my life with more kindness, compassion, ease, balance, and clarity.  I've been able to live more wholeheartedly.  With Practice, I believe I can approach my Death with an open heart and a clear mind as well. 

 

Me and My Shadow

"One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, 

but by making the darkness conscious...
Knowing your own darkness is the best method
for dealing with the darknesses of other people."

-- C.G. Jung

 

“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back...
They’re like messengers that show us,
with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck."

 --  Pema Chödrön

Many folks experiencing a lot of stress in their lives are drawn to meditation.  It's only natural.  There is a deep yearning to chill out.  

 

And, to be sure, Mindfulness Practice can provide many moments of deep calm and clarity.

Yet -- and this is generally not proclaimed in the slick internet ads  -- it is also true that a regular mediation practice can bring to the surface a lot of feelings that we have assiduously managed to repress, deny, or otherwise avoid as we scurry ahead in our lives.

Conditioned to operate in a fast-paced materialistic society, one that keeps us focused outwardly for fulfillment, we are programmed to just keep moving.  So, once we slow down and sit still for awhile to focus inwardly, our world changes.  Although we can experience greater calm, it is also not uncommon to encounter darker, more distressing emotions at times.

Contrary to what we might think, this is a Good Thing.  It's a sign that the Practice is working!

In the process of a deepening Practice, we no longer skim across the surface.  We actually begin to get in touch with the aspects of our conditioning that have subconsciously operated to create the way we see and react to the events of our lives.  (How often have you winced and thought "damn.  Why did I say/do that!?  Wouldn't you like to know?)  

The good news is that, with Practice, we are able to make conscious what had been subconscious.  Over time, we are able to observe and navigate the more troublesome aspects of ourselves with increasing clarity and ease. 

Truth in Advertising

Adrift in momentary delusions of grandeur, I sometimes joke about beginning a high profile advertising campaign for Monday Morning Mindfulness.   Full page bold print ads, billboards, and television commercials would proclaim something like:
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